“Husband: when I fell disrespected by you, it makes me take away my love for you” “wife: when I feel unloved by you, It makes it hard to have respect for you”
As a licensed marriage and family therapist…
This cycle destroys marriages
“The unhealthy cycle in full effect”
Husband withdraws love- wife feels unloved- wife reacts with disrespect- husband feels disrespected- husband withdraws further.
Let’s break it down.
The husband’s perspective
-when a husband feels disrespected, whether through criticism, dismissiveness or lack of appreciation, his natural response is to withdraw emotionally.
-He stops initiating conversations, affection, and quality time.
-His wife senses this emotional distance, and it makes her feel unloved.
-Overtime, he becomes colder, shorter in his responses, and may even avoid conflict altogether.
The wife’s perspective
-When a wife feels emotionally neglected, whether through lack of affection, communication, or appreciation, her natural response is to become critical or distant.
-She stops speaking kindly, she may make sarcastic comments, or start focusing on what’s wrong instead of what’s right.
-Her husband interprets this as disrespect and pull back further.
-She now feels even more alone in the relationship.
“Both are hurting but neither are solving the problem
-The longer this cycle continues, the more disconnected you feel.
-The more disconnected you feel, the harder it becomes to restore love and respect.
-The truth is both love and respect are deeply needed in a healthy marriage. It’s not about one being more important than the other, it’s about breaking the cycle…
“Breaking the cycle”
-The key is disrupting the automatic response, instead of reacting, be intentional.
-It wont feel natural at first, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
-Small shifts in wording can completely change the tone of a conversation.
3.practical ways to break the cycle today:
-Name the cycle out oud- when you recognize you’re in this loop, say:
“I think we’re stuck in that cycle where I feel disrespected and pulled away, and you feel unloved and get upset.”
-Pause and reconnect physically- when emotions run high, instead of walking away, try:
-Holding hands while you talk (physical connection calms the nervous system.)
-A 6-second kiss (research shows this releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone.)
3. Have a “repair ritual”- create a go-to phrase to reset, like:
“I love you. I respect you. Let’s figure this out together.”
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be aware and willing to shift.